"Providing the environment to build a healthy relationship with your baby in the weeks after birth is essential for both of you"
Why is an early relationship with your baby important for a newborn?
The importance of forming an intimate early relationship between mother and baby has been emphasised for several decades. A wealth of research has shown that the quality of the early relationship with your baby can have lasting effects on a child’s development, including socio-emotional adaption, cognitive development, language development, a child’s future mental health. Even a child’s attachment style- the quality of their emotional bond in future relationships.
Why is an early relationship with your baby important for mum?
Let’s face it-society can neglect the needs of mothers in the early days and weeks after birth. Postpartum depression and postnatal anxiety have been strongly connected to how mum’s need to spend uninterrupted time with her baby and given time and space to rest herself. We need to look after our new mums as well as new babies. We often talk about the birth of a mother, as well as the birth of a baby. She needs time to get used to this new role, as you would expect with any new role in life.
How your baby encourages the early mother baby relationship to form
The human brain does 70% of its growth outside of the womb. In an important evolutionary adaptation, the human newborn is available at the earliest hours of life for connection and complex communication. In a calm, quiet setting, at just a few hours of age a baby will turn to a mother’s voice, follow her face, make imitating movements with his mouth. He makes himself available for falling in love.
You are biologically programmed to know what to do with building a relationship with your baby
For a new human parent, the young infant’s absolute dependence may translate to no sleep, no showers, no ability to do anything but care for the baby. Harvey Karp has referred to this time period as the 4th trimester.
But as paediatrician turned psychoanalyst D.W.Winnicott identified, a mother knows what to do. He referred to this kind of care as “primary maternal preoccupation”, a preoccupation that is not only healthy but also highly adaptive. The problem lies in the fact that in contemporary culture new mothers do not themselves have a “holding environment” that supports caring for the baby in the way his immature nervous system requires. J Ronald Lally described this as the “social womb”.
Tips to help facilitate the relationship with your baby to get what you both need
Ringfence the time with your baby by limiting visitors in the early days. The only entitlement is for you and your baby to have time to adjust. Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries that feel right for you.
Limiting visitors does not mean you can’t ask for help. Whether it is your partner, family, friends, neighbours or hired maternity support; ask for what you need on your terms whether this be cooking meals, housework, shopping, or a bit of adult company when you want it.
Avoid complete social isolation. Whilst you need time to develop your relationship with your baby, it is important that you ask for a bit of adult company when you want it.
Remain aware of your own physical healing. It takes your body approximately six weeks to heal. This is a time of unparalleled change in your body as your reproductive tract returns to its nonpregnant state. In addition, your cardiovascular, respiratory, musculo-skeletal, urologic, gastrointestinal, endocrine, and nervous systems all also return to a nonpregnant state.
Learning to Breastfeed as part of the developing relationship. If you’re breastfeeding for the first time—or even if you’ve breastfed several babies, it can take time to master this practice, and it can be emotionally frustrating. Take the time and space to do this without feeling it has to be perfect. Reach out to breastfeeding support professionals and groups of mums in your local area if needbe.
Avoid unrealistic expectations of bonding with your baby Most people still believe that mother/infant bonding happens immediately and completely, right after birth. Some lucky women do experience “love at first sight.” For others, bonding can take a week or more. In any case, bonding is an ongoing process that requires a tranquil postpartum period.
Hormonal changes continue to happen after birth While your hormones are hard at work helping every cell and organ in your body to return to their pre-pregnancy state, the fluctuating levels may leave you feeling vulnerable and fatigued. Until your body recovers, you may cry at the drop of a hat or feel an overwhelming sense of joy. Unless prolonged, this is entirely normal.
Dealing With New Emotions Even if you have other children, you’re now faced with a completely new experience. The new sense of responsibility, your protective love for your new baby, and your fears for his health and safety can seem overwhelming—and you need time to adjust to these new emotions.
Adjusting to Relationships No matter how well you’ve planned things, your relationship with your partner will undergo changes. Until you both adjust to the new situation, it can be stressful. If you have other children, you may feel guilty for taking attention away from them, or you may mourn the loss of the exclusive relationship you once had with an older child.
Starting the Process of Separation For many months, you and your baby have been functioning as one. The postpartum period is the first step in a long and gradual process of separation that will carry on for many years. It may feel strange at first, and takes getting used to.
Learning New Things While changing a nappy is not intrinsically difficult, it is new. So are a hundred other things about a new baby. How do you answer the telephone while breastfeeding? How do you bathe a baby? How can you schedule anything? even reading the newspaper—when you don’t know when the baby will be sleeping? You’ll be learning these new skills “on the job,” and it will take time to develop your own methods.
Think of the first few days after the birth as your “lying-in” period, just as women did in past history. Consider staying in bed for most of the first week. Dress in your pyjamas to remind yourself to take it easy, and if you feel more energetic and are able to get up and do more, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
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